It's been a minute since I've written. We've had a lot going on and we've gotten a lot of crazy news in the past couple of weeks. We needed just a little bit of time to process it all. We found out a little over a week ago that the IUI didn't work. We didn't get the miracle we were praying so desperately for. The same day I found out I wasn't pregnant I got a call from my doctor's office to let me know that my doctor had passed away unexpectedly two days earlier. Now what? It's not like you can call up an infertility doctor and tell them you want to have IVF in three weeks. It doesn't work like that. My doctor's office had a doctor they were working with at the hospital who had agreed to take over the June cycle. So many of us had already been canceled that they didn't want to interrupt treatment and make us miss June's cycle too.
This doctor does things a little bit different than my old doctor so I had to start my medications a little bit earlier than I thought. I went in last Monday for my baseline sonogram and they told me I had a few cysts, which is normal for me, and that they would clear up with the birth control. But with the new doctor I was only on birth control for two days and was scheduled to start one of my meds Friday morning and the rest today. So I went back in Friday morning and they told me I still had some follicles either left over from the last cycle or my body was producing them too early. I didn't have them when I needed them and now I have too many. Go figure. I can't say I'm surprised that my body doesn't know which way is up. It's been told what to do so much in the past year and a half it doesn't know when it's supposed to be doing anything. So all that means that I have to skip the June cycle too. I was devastated.
I was asked to speak at a women's event at our church last night to share my story. It's something I've never done before but I would love to do more often. Thursday night, as I was writing out what I wanted to talk about, I had this overwhelming thought of "what are we doing?". I think it was God opening my eyes. We made our decision to move forward with IVF in December. In the past six months, my doctor got sick for three months and our egg retrieval was pushed back to mid-May. I was then given bad drugs and didn't produce enough follicles to go through with the egg retrieval for May's cycle. I found out the IUI didn't work and that my doctor passed away. I realized all of this even before I went to the doctor on Friday and got the news that I couldn't do June's cycle. And when I left the doctor's office on Friday I said 'OK God, I hear you. I'm ready to do it your way.' God was saying to me, 'how many more roadblocks do I need to drop in your path before you open your eyes and see?' This isn't where God wants us. It's where we wanted us.
I never wanted to do infertility treatments. From the minute we recognized that something was wrong, I didn't want to do infertility. I felt so clearly God calling us to adopt, but I didn't want to. I was being selfish. I wanted my own baby. I did, with everything I wanted my own baby. So even though I knew it wasn't what God wanted from us, we started with infertility. Because it was exciting! We felt like we were doing something productive. Like we were going to make it happen on our own. That never works. We could have all of the medicine in the world and the best doctor's in the world, but if it's not God's plan for you, none of that matters. God opened my eyes to that on Friday. And I'm just sorry it took me a year and a half to figure that out.
When I was preparing for my talk last night I wanted to tie it in with an amazing story from the Bible. And I was thinking maybe I'll talk about Job, he went through a lot. And then I thought, you're no Job. How can you even compare yourself to him? And while I was praying yesterday morning, I was telling God that I feel so tossed on the waves of life right now. I don't know which way to turn. And in that moment, God said to me, you're Jonah. And that's what I want you talk about tonight. And I said I'm not Jonah. God do you even remember his story? I mean he's the guy that ran from you on a boat because he didn't want to go to Ninevah. How is that me? And God said you've been running from me for a long time. You knew what I wanted you to do and you chose to go your own way. And just like Jonah, I feel like we've been living in the belly of a whale for the past year. And the worst part is, we didn't even know it. We have been so far from God's plan for our lives and didn't want to recognize it because we wanted it our way. And even though God's opened my eyes to that, just like Jonah, I'm still questioning Him. And that's not a bad thing. God's OK if we question Him. But I don't doubt Him and His plans for us. I don't doubt for one second that He is more than capable of bringing us a baby. Romans 8:37 tells us that "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Andy and I will be more than conquerors through this. We don't feel like it right now, but one day when we're on the other side we're going to look back and see exactly how God brought us through this. And we'll see how every circumstance and every piece of bad news was from Him, a necessary piece of the puzzle to get us where He wanted us. Because He was working it all out in His timing. And it will all make sense in the end.
So, we're back to adoption. Where we should've been all along. And I don't think God's angry with us for taking this long to figure it out, but I do think that we may have missed out on an earlier blessing by waiting. But now, we believe that God has a baby just for us. And we are praying for that little baby, and we are praying for that birth-mom. And we're trusting in God. I still have questions that may never be answered, and I still have reservations about adoption. But God is asking us to trust Him and to take that leap of faith. And we know that when we do, we'll be blessed or possibly a blessing to someone else. Everyone wins when it's God's plan.
Through all of this, I feel completely free. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't think I realized just how much infertility was weighing on me until now. I praise God for opening my eyes to His truth and to His plan. And even though I only see a glimpse of it, I know it's good because Jeremiah 29:11 promises it.
Until next time...
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Waiting...kind of patiently
One week down, one week to go. Thankfully Andy and I live pretty busy/crazy lives so time really does seem to fly by. We've been praying a lot in the last week (and a long time before that) about our little miracle (s). Just praying that God will do His work in our lives and bring us a miracle. We've been praying, our friends and family have been praying, churches we don't even belong to have been praying. We are truly part of an amazing group of people.
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
Sunday, May 19, 2013
"Can I get directions?" - Sincerely, the sperm
I want to start out by saying we have amazing friends and family. We have so many people praying for us, and it is overwhelming. We have felt such peace in the past few days that we know it can only be from God. I know a lot of people/churches are getting away from laying hands on people to pray, but I believe it's important and powerful. We've had a lot of hands laid on us in the past week and we feel God with us. It's amazing.
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Expectations
Have you ever felt like God is doing something? Like really doing something? And you can feel it building under the surface, about to explode? That's where we are. We feel like we are on the verge of God doing something amazing in our lives. We have no idea what that is, or what form it may take, but we know it's coming and we're trusting in His promises - a promise for a hope and a future. More this week than last...if that's possible.
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Don't Stress
If it's this hard to find time to blog now, I can't wait until I have kids! I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I'm not sure if that translates well via blog. So if you ever read something and wonder if I'm kidding...I'm kidding.
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wall of Impossibility
I went to Women of Faith this weekend with a few friends from my Journey group at church. We went down to Wichita on Friday for the conference. I always come back from things like this completely fired up for Jesus and ready to change the world. My prayer is that my fire doesn't burn out. The speakers were amazing. Lysa Terkeurst was one of the speakers and she is hilarious and awesome. If you've never read one of her books or listened to her speak I encourage you to do so. She runs the www.Proverbs31.org website. You can sign up to have a devotional come directly to your inbox everyday. It's a great encouragement. I'm not saying I get a chance to read every single one of them, but they're always inspirational and usually just what I need to hear that day.
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
In Theory
I'm not sure why I said I was going to tell our story in chronological order, I haven't been very good at that. That being said, I'm going to skip ahead tonight. We are getting very close to our IVF dates and we're getting really excited/scared/nervous/anxious, pretty much a full range of emotions.
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
Monday, April 15, 2013
Impregnated by a needle...you hope
I've been trying to post about twice a week, but last week totally got away from me. One of the girls in my office quit and I have now taken on most of her responsibilities plus my own so I've been exhausted. But I'm back and back to the story.
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
Monday, April 8, 2013
They that wait...
Random fact (or opinion, whatever) to start out tonight - yoga is harder than it sounds. I started a class last Monday and it a little bit kicked my butt. Tonight was better. But I digress...
My grandma had this painting at her house, like my entire life. You know how grandmas' are, they keep things forever. It wasn't necessarily her prettiest picture, she had many others much more beautiful that she had painted herself. But it was always one of my favorites. It was a picture of an eagle and it had Isaiah 40:31 printed on it - "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". And the end of that old hymn right out of scripture says 'teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait'.
I was struggling with inspiration for what to write tonight. It's probably because I hit snooze this morning instead of getting out of bed to read my Bible and run...tomorrow I'll be all over it. So while I was in the shower after my crazy exhausting yoga class (I think I was misled into thinking yoga was relaxing) this song came to mind. I learned it as a little kid and it's always been one of my favorite old hymns. I like to belt it out in the shower every now and then and give Andy and the dogs a little mini-concert. It's usually at that point that he turns the TV up. I think as a little kid I liked the song because of the melody but not until I was older did I really understand what the words were saying, maybe not until the past few years if I'm being honest. There is so much hope tied up in that short verse. God's telling us to wait on Him, and He'll sustain us. No matter how tired or weak we get, no matter how much I want to give up and throw my hands in the air and say 'forget it', He's there, ready to pick me up off the ground and give me the strength I need to carry on. And as much as I want things to happen in my time-frame, He's asking me to wait on Him, in essence to trust Him, and He's promising something so much greater in the end. Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". So often God doesn't do something I want him to do or give me something I think I should have and I get frustrated because I want it yesterday, but in the end he does something better than I had pictured. If he would've given me what I wanted in the first place, I would have missed the bigger blessing he had waiting for me.
Does that mean I don't ever question God? No. I was on lunch the other day walking out of Starbucks and for whatever reason I was struck with just how much I want to be a mom. And I started asking God, is this ever going to happen for us? Are we ever going to get to be parents? And it's so hard not to think 'have I done something wrong', 'am I not going to be a good mom', 'there has to be a reason this hasn't happened for us yet'. And then I reel myself back in, or rather God does. And I remember there is a reason that this hasn't happened for us yet. I don't know if I have it figured out, but I know God has a plan. And maybe it's exactly what I'm doing right now. Maybe I'm going through this to help someone else get through it. I may not ever know this side of Heaven, but I trust in who God is. And that will have to be enough.
So if obedience and patience is what it takes to start our family, then obedience and patience is what God will get from me. I'm not going to get all crazy and act like I'm really good at that because I'm not, but I pray for a willing heart. Is this journey how I want to learn patience and reliance on God? Probably not. But does God know this is most likely the only way I'm going to learn patience and reliance on Him? Probably. I'm a big enough person to admit that. I get it wrong more than I get it right, and I'm stubborn and proud (which I just found out about the proud thing) and sometimes I'm just a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums to get my way. But God loves me anyway and He's still working on me. He has high hopes for all of His children if we'll just be still enough to listen.
Until next time...
My grandma had this painting at her house, like my entire life. You know how grandmas' are, they keep things forever. It wasn't necessarily her prettiest picture, she had many others much more beautiful that she had painted herself. But it was always one of my favorites. It was a picture of an eagle and it had Isaiah 40:31 printed on it - "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". And the end of that old hymn right out of scripture says 'teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait'.
I was struggling with inspiration for what to write tonight. It's probably because I hit snooze this morning instead of getting out of bed to read my Bible and run...tomorrow I'll be all over it. So while I was in the shower after my crazy exhausting yoga class (I think I was misled into thinking yoga was relaxing) this song came to mind. I learned it as a little kid and it's always been one of my favorite old hymns. I like to belt it out in the shower every now and then and give Andy and the dogs a little mini-concert. It's usually at that point that he turns the TV up. I think as a little kid I liked the song because of the melody but not until I was older did I really understand what the words were saying, maybe not until the past few years if I'm being honest. There is so much hope tied up in that short verse. God's telling us to wait on Him, and He'll sustain us. No matter how tired or weak we get, no matter how much I want to give up and throw my hands in the air and say 'forget it', He's there, ready to pick me up off the ground and give me the strength I need to carry on. And as much as I want things to happen in my time-frame, He's asking me to wait on Him, in essence to trust Him, and He's promising something so much greater in the end. Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". So often God doesn't do something I want him to do or give me something I think I should have and I get frustrated because I want it yesterday, but in the end he does something better than I had pictured. If he would've given me what I wanted in the first place, I would have missed the bigger blessing he had waiting for me.
Does that mean I don't ever question God? No. I was on lunch the other day walking out of Starbucks and for whatever reason I was struck with just how much I want to be a mom. And I started asking God, is this ever going to happen for us? Are we ever going to get to be parents? And it's so hard not to think 'have I done something wrong', 'am I not going to be a good mom', 'there has to be a reason this hasn't happened for us yet'. And then I reel myself back in, or rather God does. And I remember there is a reason that this hasn't happened for us yet. I don't know if I have it figured out, but I know God has a plan. And maybe it's exactly what I'm doing right now. Maybe I'm going through this to help someone else get through it. I may not ever know this side of Heaven, but I trust in who God is. And that will have to be enough.
So if obedience and patience is what it takes to start our family, then obedience and patience is what God will get from me. I'm not going to get all crazy and act like I'm really good at that because I'm not, but I pray for a willing heart. Is this journey how I want to learn patience and reliance on God? Probably not. But does God know this is most likely the only way I'm going to learn patience and reliance on Him? Probably. I'm a big enough person to admit that. I get it wrong more than I get it right, and I'm stubborn and proud (which I just found out about the proud thing) and sometimes I'm just a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums to get my way. But God loves me anyway and He's still working on me. He has high hopes for all of His children if we'll just be still enough to listen.
Until next time...
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Back to the story
OK - I'm getting back on track with our infertility story. So my husband went and got checked out, and we found out he had slow swimmers. If anyone's a 'Friends' fan, here's your Chandler reference for the night - 'it means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers, and you have a uterus that's prepared to kill the ones that do'. Thankfully we just have one of those problems.
In order to find out that everything was OK with me, they of course drew blood (it's their favorite) and then they scheduled me for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). The layman's for that is dye test. I had to take the afternoon off work and go to the outpatient center at the hospital. This is why they start with the $100 semen analysis - everything after that goes up in cost exponentially. For the test, the doctor shoots dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages. I have a really retroflexed (tilted) uterus so she was having a hard time seeing everything properly. I had to lift my hips and roll from side to side. They told me it was going to be a little bit uncomfortable so I could take some ibuprofen before I came. I took 800 milligrams, and there's a strong chance I'm just a sissy, but it hurt like a mother. I was giving my husband some practice for when I'm in labor - I was crushing his hand. I wanted to spread around the pain. He told me later how bad it hurt, but didn't feel that during my procedure was the right time to complain about the squeezing. He's a smart man. But for those of you who haven't had it done yet, it's great, you'll love it, it doesn't hurt at all :). But seriously, find someone with prescription pain killers and take one. Not that I'm advocating illegal drug use in any way. The best news about that test is that the pain stops as soon as the test is over. Which meant I had the rest of the afternoon off with my husband!
So we had that under our belts - semen analysis, check; HSG, check. And thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with me. We went back to the doctor and discussed our plan of attack. We started out with one infertility doctor whom we really loved, and she ended up leaving the practice seemingly out of the blue so we're now seeing a different doctor. We like him too. Our first doctor was fairly conservative and wanted us to do 3-4 IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) with clomid. So we started there. I feel like that experience is another day's topic - I have a lot to say on the matter. I'll pick up there on my next post.
To switch gears, I'm part of what's called a journey group at church. It's 6 women in different stages of life. We hang out once a month, memorize scripture, pray for each other, hold each other accountable - it's a great group. One of the things we are doing is reading a Proverbs a day. Proverbs 31 is all about being a good Christian woman and the book of Proverbs itself is about wisdom. We read the chapter that corresponds with the day, so today we read chapter 3. Verses 5-6 say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." The leader of our group sent that verse out to all of us this morning, and God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hate to admit this to everyone, but I'm a bit of a control freak. I like order, and I like things done a certain way, and I definitely want it to be my way! God's still working on me. And that's one of the reasons that I struggle with this infertility journey. I want a baby now, under my terms, in my time frame. And I often wonder if that's why God has chosen this path for us. Because I can honestly say that I've grown more in the past year, then I have in a very long time. But it's a beautiful struggle because as much as I don't want to give up control, I know God is working to make me the person that he wants me to be. My mind is so finite that I can't see the big picture, I can only see the here and now and can't see past the struggle. But God sees it all and he knows what's best for me. And not only that, but he wants what's best for me and is guiding me down that path. He's my heavenly father. And just like my earthly dad, he wants to give me the desires of my heart. But since he can see everything, he also knows the right timing to give me those desires. So I'm trusting him, just like the verse says. Not to say that doesn't take work, like every 5 minutes I have to remind myself, but my own understanding is so lacking compared to God's. But one of the beautiful things about God's directions is that they always end in hope - 'and he will make your paths straight'.
Until next time...
In order to find out that everything was OK with me, they of course drew blood (it's their favorite) and then they scheduled me for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). The layman's for that is dye test. I had to take the afternoon off work and go to the outpatient center at the hospital. This is why they start with the $100 semen analysis - everything after that goes up in cost exponentially. For the test, the doctor shoots dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages. I have a really retroflexed (tilted) uterus so she was having a hard time seeing everything properly. I had to lift my hips and roll from side to side. They told me it was going to be a little bit uncomfortable so I could take some ibuprofen before I came. I took 800 milligrams, and there's a strong chance I'm just a sissy, but it hurt like a mother. I was giving my husband some practice for when I'm in labor - I was crushing his hand. I wanted to spread around the pain. He told me later how bad it hurt, but didn't feel that during my procedure was the right time to complain about the squeezing. He's a smart man. But for those of you who haven't had it done yet, it's great, you'll love it, it doesn't hurt at all :). But seriously, find someone with prescription pain killers and take one. Not that I'm advocating illegal drug use in any way. The best news about that test is that the pain stops as soon as the test is over. Which meant I had the rest of the afternoon off with my husband!
So we had that under our belts - semen analysis, check; HSG, check. And thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with me. We went back to the doctor and discussed our plan of attack. We started out with one infertility doctor whom we really loved, and she ended up leaving the practice seemingly out of the blue so we're now seeing a different doctor. We like him too. Our first doctor was fairly conservative and wanted us to do 3-4 IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) with clomid. So we started there. I feel like that experience is another day's topic - I have a lot to say on the matter. I'll pick up there on my next post.
To switch gears, I'm part of what's called a journey group at church. It's 6 women in different stages of life. We hang out once a month, memorize scripture, pray for each other, hold each other accountable - it's a great group. One of the things we are doing is reading a Proverbs a day. Proverbs 31 is all about being a good Christian woman and the book of Proverbs itself is about wisdom. We read the chapter that corresponds with the day, so today we read chapter 3. Verses 5-6 say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." The leader of our group sent that verse out to all of us this morning, and God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hate to admit this to everyone, but I'm a bit of a control freak. I like order, and I like things done a certain way, and I definitely want it to be my way! God's still working on me. And that's one of the reasons that I struggle with this infertility journey. I want a baby now, under my terms, in my time frame. And I often wonder if that's why God has chosen this path for us. Because I can honestly say that I've grown more in the past year, then I have in a very long time. But it's a beautiful struggle because as much as I don't want to give up control, I know God is working to make me the person that he wants me to be. My mind is so finite that I can't see the big picture, I can only see the here and now and can't see past the struggle. But God sees it all and he knows what's best for me. And not only that, but he wants what's best for me and is guiding me down that path. He's my heavenly father. And just like my earthly dad, he wants to give me the desires of my heart. But since he can see everything, he also knows the right timing to give me those desires. So I'm trusting him, just like the verse says. Not to say that doesn't take work, like every 5 minutes I have to remind myself, but my own understanding is so lacking compared to God's. But one of the beautiful things about God's directions is that they always end in hope - 'and he will make your paths straight'.
Until next time...
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter! I won't be long today. I just wanted to really quickly share something our pastor preached on this morning. Being as it's Easter, he preached on the crucifixion and resurrection, as I'm sure most of your pastors did. But He took it in a little bit different direction, which I'd never really stopped to consider. He talked about the brutality of the beating and the crucifixion and how it can make us feel sorry for Jesus. And he made the statement do not for one second feel sorry for Jesus. I thought that sounded harsh considering He's the savior of the world. But then he followed it up with John 10:14-15, 18 "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - (15) just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep. (18) No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father". In hearing that, the 'don't feel sorry' statement didn't seem so harsh. Jesus wasn't murdered on the cross. He chose the cross for us - He took it joyfully so we could be saved from our sins. He has taken the penalty for every sin we've ever committed and every sin we will ever commit. That's how deep His love is for us. That He willingly chose His death for me. As Paul says in Romans 5:8 - "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us". There's no greater love than that. I've recently heard it called the 'Scandal of Grace'. It's the most amazing part of our God, and yet the hardest part to comprehend. As people, we constantly feel the need to work our way to Heaven. But thankfully, that's not how God designed it. We just simply need to believe and ask Jesus to be our savior. It's as simple as that and yet as mind-blowing as that. If you don't know the love of Jesus, I pray that you soon will. And if you do, celebrate that we serve a living God who willingly gave His life for you and for me. It's that personal.
Below is me and Andy's annual Easter pic at my parents house. My best friend suggested I add it to my Easter post :). Until next time...
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Can you say miracle?
It's been a couple of days since I've written, and I have a really good excuse. I had what I'm hesitant to even call surgery, yesterday afternoon. Let me back up a little to explain. I know I said I was going to tell our infertility story from the beginning, but I'm going to jump around a little bit today. I had what I thought was a normal appointment a few weeks ago with my infertility doctor. A routine sonogram and of course more blood work. Sometimes I feel like my doctor is a vampire - every time I turn around they're drawing more blood. It's like that AT&T commercial - we want more, we want more! As it turned out, I was scheduled for a saline sonogram. Not as much fun. They basically stick a balloon in and fill it with saline so they can get a better look. It causes a lot of cramping and is fairly uncomfortable. Unfortunately she didn't get a good enough look the first time and had to do it again. The best news (and that is complete sarcasm) is that they found polyps in my uterus. Polyps aren't necessarily dangerous, but because we're on the road to IVF they want to make sure everything is clean and my uterine wall is smooth. So I needed to schedule surgery. I also found out that day that we had to cancel our vacation because our IVF dates has been pushed back to May. I just should've stayed in bed.
So I call my OBGYN to schedule the surgery. It's a fairly simple surgery - they put me under, shave off the polyps and wake me up. No big deal. We went to a Maundy Thursday service for Holy Week and our friends laid hands on me and prayed for my surgery on Friday. One of my friends insisted on laying her hands on my stomach to pray. Even with all of the prayers I was still feeling anxious for some reason. I didn't sleep well Thursdsay night. I kept waking up and praying from Phillippians - do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition present your requests to God. I woke up early and had an amazing quiet time with God and He gave me peace about the whole situation. I tell you all of that because when they woke me up from my surgery yesterday they told me there were no polyps - they couldn't find anything! I saw the sonogram pictures and I know there was something there. So we're chalking it up to Jesus healing me. I would've rather spent my day off shopping, but I'm glad we went through it - better safe than sorry.
When I had my quiet time yesterday I was just drawn to Phillippians 4:6, which is what I had been reciting in the middle of the night. When I looked it up yesterday morning, I realized I missed a piece while I was praying. The most important piece if you ask me. The actual verse is "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving (italics mine), present your requests to God". I was so busy being anxious that I forgot to give thanks. Verse 4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" I was forgetting to rejoice in God, and once again I wasn't trusting Him fully to take care of me. And not only did He take care of me through surgery, but He healed me completely - more than I could ask or imagine. Oh ye of little faith...Do you know how the passage ends with verse 7? "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". I just have to remember to rejoice, to give thanks and give every situation over to God. Then He will give me peace that surpasses understanding. I put my hope in that verse. It's the only way I can get through this process - with God's peace.
Until next time...
So I call my OBGYN to schedule the surgery. It's a fairly simple surgery - they put me under, shave off the polyps and wake me up. No big deal. We went to a Maundy Thursday service for Holy Week and our friends laid hands on me and prayed for my surgery on Friday. One of my friends insisted on laying her hands on my stomach to pray. Even with all of the prayers I was still feeling anxious for some reason. I didn't sleep well Thursdsay night. I kept waking up and praying from Phillippians - do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition present your requests to God. I woke up early and had an amazing quiet time with God and He gave me peace about the whole situation. I tell you all of that because when they woke me up from my surgery yesterday they told me there were no polyps - they couldn't find anything! I saw the sonogram pictures and I know there was something there. So we're chalking it up to Jesus healing me. I would've rather spent my day off shopping, but I'm glad we went through it - better safe than sorry.
When I had my quiet time yesterday I was just drawn to Phillippians 4:6, which is what I had been reciting in the middle of the night. When I looked it up yesterday morning, I realized I missed a piece while I was praying. The most important piece if you ask me. The actual verse is "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving (italics mine), present your requests to God". I was so busy being anxious that I forgot to give thanks. Verse 4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" I was forgetting to rejoice in God, and once again I wasn't trusting Him fully to take care of me. And not only did He take care of me through surgery, but He healed me completely - more than I could ask or imagine. Oh ye of little faith...Do you know how the passage ends with verse 7? "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". I just have to remember to rejoice, to give thanks and give every situation over to God. Then He will give me peace that surpasses understanding. I put my hope in that verse. It's the only way I can get through this process - with God's peace.
Until next time...
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Day 2
In my total lack of blog knowledge I was unsure of how one got the news out about a new blog. So I posted it on Facebook - how else does anyone find things out these days? And I have to say, I have the best family and friends. I've had the most amazing response and I'm not even that interesting! Thank you all for caring about us enough to read our story and get inside my crazy head.
I've been struggling with the set-up of the blog - what I'll talk about, how often I want to post, etc...I still haven't come to a definite conclusion, but I had something to say today so I figured why not? I thought I would start at the beginning, that's usually a good place. We've now been trying to have a baby for 7 years. Our motto was let's give it one more month. Well one more month turned into one more year, and so on. It's a very hard pill to swallow to realize you can't get pregnant on your own. It's such a pride issue - which I never thought I struggled with but God is teaching me that He's in control. Once Andy and I accepted that we needed help, we had no intentions of infertility treatments. I watched one of my best friends go through two rounds of IVF with no baby and I said no way - I'm not putting myself or our relationship through that. We had decided on adoption. But my heart wasn't totally in it. Everyone longs for their own baby. So an old friend found me on Facebook (see reference above) and we went to dinner. Her and her husband were struggling with infertility as well. It just so happened that she worked for an infertility doctor. She talked me in to coming in for an informational visit. Of course Andy got called into work that day so I was flying solo. The first step, for those of you who aren't immersed in the infertility world, is a sperm analysis. It's the cheapest and easiest first step for everyone involved and since it didn't involve me, I was like let's go for it! Andy was super thrilled, especially since my friend worked there and he had to see her when he checked out. She did tell me that if it made him feel any better, her husband had been in several times and he had to go to the Christmas party with these people - Andy didn't feel so bad after that.
The next step was for him to go to a eurologist to make sure everything was OK with him physically. I didn't go to this appointment, and after hearing the story when he got home I'm really sorry I missed it. He went in and the physician's assistant came in with a young female resident. As you can imagine considering the title of eurologist, Andy had to drop his drawers. Later when the regular doctor came in, he had the same resident with him and asked Andy's permission for her to be in there to which he replied, "I don't think we have any secrets between us anymore". Poor guy - he's been a trooper through the whole situation. After that, we dove in with both feet. The next steps are a little more involved so I'll save those for another day.
This journey can be a lonely one - it's hard for people who haven't been through it to grasp just what you're going through. And there are days when we feel like we're the only couple in the world without babies. But there are so many people struggling with infertility. My prayer through this journey is that we enjoy the ride and the lessons we're learning - which isn't easy and I have to remind myself everyday of just how much God has blessed us. It's so easy to get focused on what's to come and forget that we're on this path because God wants us here and He's teaching us something. Our character and faith are built through our struggles and pain, not when everything is smooth sailing. That's why the book of James says consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance - James 1:2.
My second prayer is that we touch someone through our story. That we can help them through the struggle. Nothing is more meaningful and relatable then someone who's already been through it and is on the other side. Afterall, that's why God sent His son, so that we could relate knowing Jesus walked this earth, bled like us, wept like us, got hungry and hurt like us and did it all without sinning. He can empathize with every emotion we've ever experienced or will ever experience. And in that we have hope, because Jesus is on the other side. We have hope for this life because the Bible tells us to delight in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart, and when we're done here we get to spend an eternity with Him in Heaven! I prayed God would use me today while I was writing, so this is straight from Him. You're welcome :).
Until the next time...
I've been struggling with the set-up of the blog - what I'll talk about, how often I want to post, etc...I still haven't come to a definite conclusion, but I had something to say today so I figured why not? I thought I would start at the beginning, that's usually a good place. We've now been trying to have a baby for 7 years. Our motto was let's give it one more month. Well one more month turned into one more year, and so on. It's a very hard pill to swallow to realize you can't get pregnant on your own. It's such a pride issue - which I never thought I struggled with but God is teaching me that He's in control. Once Andy and I accepted that we needed help, we had no intentions of infertility treatments. I watched one of my best friends go through two rounds of IVF with no baby and I said no way - I'm not putting myself or our relationship through that. We had decided on adoption. But my heart wasn't totally in it. Everyone longs for their own baby. So an old friend found me on Facebook (see reference above) and we went to dinner. Her and her husband were struggling with infertility as well. It just so happened that she worked for an infertility doctor. She talked me in to coming in for an informational visit. Of course Andy got called into work that day so I was flying solo. The first step, for those of you who aren't immersed in the infertility world, is a sperm analysis. It's the cheapest and easiest first step for everyone involved and since it didn't involve me, I was like let's go for it! Andy was super thrilled, especially since my friend worked there and he had to see her when he checked out. She did tell me that if it made him feel any better, her husband had been in several times and he had to go to the Christmas party with these people - Andy didn't feel so bad after that.
The next step was for him to go to a eurologist to make sure everything was OK with him physically. I didn't go to this appointment, and after hearing the story when he got home I'm really sorry I missed it. He went in and the physician's assistant came in with a young female resident. As you can imagine considering the title of eurologist, Andy had to drop his drawers. Later when the regular doctor came in, he had the same resident with him and asked Andy's permission for her to be in there to which he replied, "I don't think we have any secrets between us anymore". Poor guy - he's been a trooper through the whole situation. After that, we dove in with both feet. The next steps are a little more involved so I'll save those for another day.
This journey can be a lonely one - it's hard for people who haven't been through it to grasp just what you're going through. And there are days when we feel like we're the only couple in the world without babies. But there are so many people struggling with infertility. My prayer through this journey is that we enjoy the ride and the lessons we're learning - which isn't easy and I have to remind myself everyday of just how much God has blessed us. It's so easy to get focused on what's to come and forget that we're on this path because God wants us here and He's teaching us something. Our character and faith are built through our struggles and pain, not when everything is smooth sailing. That's why the book of James says consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance - James 1:2.
My second prayer is that we touch someone through our story. That we can help them through the struggle. Nothing is more meaningful and relatable then someone who's already been through it and is on the other side. Afterall, that's why God sent His son, so that we could relate knowing Jesus walked this earth, bled like us, wept like us, got hungry and hurt like us and did it all without sinning. He can empathize with every emotion we've ever experienced or will ever experience. And in that we have hope, because Jesus is on the other side. We have hope for this life because the Bible tells us to delight in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart, and when we're done here we get to spend an eternity with Him in Heaven! I prayed God would use me today while I was writing, so this is straight from Him. You're welcome :).
Until the next time...
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Day 1
So I've never been much of a blog reader so I shocked myself a little bit when I decided o start a blog. Let me tell you a little bit about myself and maybe you'll understand my need for one. I'm 30 years old, married for 10 years this June to my very best friend in the whole world, and we still have no babies. We have been on a crazy infertility roller coaster for the past 7 years. Of course at first we didn't know it was infertility - we thought maybe we were doing something wrong. My husband continually said 'practice makes perfect' (he's an ex-college athlete so everything's a sports analogy around our house). Though practice as we might, no babies. We did find out we were pregnant in January 2010, but we had a miscarriage at 9 weeks that just about broke our hearts. So here we are three years later, no closer to a baby. We did however give up on the wishin' and hopin' practice method and sought professional help. Turns out, we're infertile. OK, that's not our specific diagnosis, but we definitely need help. So we've now (and by 'we' I mean me) have been through three IUI's (intrauterine insemination) with clomid and one with the really good, make you hormonally crazy drugs. And as I said earlier, still no babies. So we've moved on to our last resort of IVF (invitro fertilization). We're scheduled in May for the egg retrieval. So in a few weeks I'll be starting even more of the make you hormonally crazy drugs - three different kinds, that's three shots per day directly into my belly, I can hardly wait :). And my husband is super stoked!
All that being said, I've always been a big journaler and I thought why not put all my innermost thoughts on the internet? On a more serious note, I've always wanted to write a book and I've heard from many people that a blog is the best place to start. So here I go. I want the blog to mostly be about our infertility journey, but I might veer off course every now and then. I've been praying a lot about this blog and about writing a book and I feel like God has definitely been giving me inspiration. So some days it might just be about my quiet time that morning and what God laid on my heart. I guess I forgot to say the most important thing about myself is that I'm a Christian.
I attempted to start a new routine in the past couple of months to get up early and run on my elliptical and read my Bible. Killing two birds with one stone. I get up most mornings :). I talked my husband and one of our friends into going and picking up the elliptical that I bought off Craigslist and then three hours later we had it apart enough to carry into our non-walkout basement. Our friend said I better use it everyday, and my husband said it stays with the house, so if anyone's interested in a house in Western Shawnee with an elliptical, just let me know. I've been studying in Psalms and this morning when I was praying the theme God seemed to be showing me was patience. Psalms 27:13-14 says I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. He's been showing me patience through this whole infertility journey; patience and complete reliance on Him. I would not be able to get through a single day without relying on God to get me through. So I will continue to take heart in Him and wait for his plan to unfold for our family.
All that being said, I've always been a big journaler and I thought why not put all my innermost thoughts on the internet? On a more serious note, I've always wanted to write a book and I've heard from many people that a blog is the best place to start. So here I go. I want the blog to mostly be about our infertility journey, but I might veer off course every now and then. I've been praying a lot about this blog and about writing a book and I feel like God has definitely been giving me inspiration. So some days it might just be about my quiet time that morning and what God laid on my heart. I guess I forgot to say the most important thing about myself is that I'm a Christian.
I attempted to start a new routine in the past couple of months to get up early and run on my elliptical and read my Bible. Killing two birds with one stone. I get up most mornings :). I talked my husband and one of our friends into going and picking up the elliptical that I bought off Craigslist and then three hours later we had it apart enough to carry into our non-walkout basement. Our friend said I better use it everyday, and my husband said it stays with the house, so if anyone's interested in a house in Western Shawnee with an elliptical, just let me know. I've been studying in Psalms and this morning when I was praying the theme God seemed to be showing me was patience. Psalms 27:13-14 says I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. He's been showing me patience through this whole infertility journey; patience and complete reliance on Him. I would not be able to get through a single day without relying on God to get me through. So I will continue to take heart in Him and wait for his plan to unfold for our family.
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