Back to the story

OK - I'm getting back on track with our infertility story.  So my husband went and got checked out, and we found out he had slow swimmers.  If anyone's a 'Friends' fan, here's your Chandler reference for the night - 'it means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers, and you have a uterus that's prepared to kill the ones that do'.  Thankfully we just have one of those problems. 

In order to find out that everything was OK with me, they of course drew blood (it's their favorite) and then they scheduled me for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram).  The layman's for that is dye test.  I had to take the afternoon off work and go to the outpatient center at the hospital.  This is why they start with the $100 semen analysis - everything after that goes up in cost exponentially.  For the test, the doctor shoots dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages.  I have a really retroflexed (tilted) uterus so she was having a hard time seeing everything properly.  I had to lift my hips and roll from side to side.  They told me it was going to be a little bit uncomfortable so I could take some ibuprofen before I came.  I took 800 milligrams, and there's a strong chance I'm just a sissy, but it hurt like a mother.  I was giving my husband some practice for when I'm in labor - I was crushing his hand.  I wanted to spread around the pain.  He told me later how bad it hurt, but didn't feel that during my procedure was the right time to complain about the squeezing.  He's a smart man.  But for those of you who haven't had it done yet, it's great, you'll love it, it doesn't hurt at all :).  But seriously, find someone with prescription pain killers and take one.  Not that I'm advocating illegal drug use in any way.  The best news about that test is that the pain stops as soon as the test is over.  Which meant I had the rest of the afternoon off with my husband!

So we had that under our belts - semen analysis, check; HSG, check.  And thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with me.  We went back to the doctor and discussed our plan of attack.  We started out with one infertility doctor whom we really loved, and she ended up leaving the practice seemingly out of the blue so we're now seeing a different doctor.  We like him too.  Our first doctor was fairly conservative and wanted us to do 3-4 IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) with clomid.  So we started there.  I feel like that experience is another day's topic - I have a lot to say on the matter.  I'll pick up there on my next post.

To switch gears, I'm part of what's called a journey group at church.  It's 6 women in different stages of life.  We hang out once a month, memorize scripture, pray for each other, hold each other accountable - it's a great group.  One of the things we are doing is reading a Proverbs a day.  Proverbs 31 is all about being a good Christian woman and the book of Proverbs itself is about wisdom. We read the chapter that corresponds with the day, so today we read chapter 3.  Verses 5-6 say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  The leader of our group sent that verse out to all of us this morning, and God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear.  I hate to admit this to everyone, but I'm a bit of a control freak.  I like order, and I like things done a certain way, and I definitely want it to be my way!  God's still working on me.  And that's one of the reasons that I struggle with this infertility journey.  I want a baby now, under my terms, in my time frame.  And I often wonder if that's why God has chosen this path for us.  Because I can honestly say that I've grown more in the past year, then I have in a very long time.  But it's a beautiful struggle because as much as I don't want to give up control, I know God is working to make me the person that he wants me to be.  My mind is so finite that I can't see the big picture, I can only see the here and now and can't see past the struggle.  But God sees it all and he knows what's best for me.  And not only that, but he wants what's best for me and is guiding me down that path.  He's my heavenly father.  And just like my earthly dad, he wants to give me the desires of my heart.  But since he can see everything, he also knows the right timing to give me those desires.  So I'm trusting him, just like the verse says.  Not to say that doesn't take work, like every 5 minutes I have to remind myself, but my own understanding is so lacking compared to God's.  But one of the beautiful things about God's directions is that they always end in hope - 'and he will make your paths straight'.

Until next time...