Impregnated by a needle...you hope

I've been trying to post about twice a week, but last week totally got away from me.  One of the girls in my office quit and I have now taken on most of her responsibilities plus my own so I've been exhausted.  But I'm back and back to the story.

So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination).  Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work.  Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs.  I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it.  I was glad that wasn't me.  Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period.  On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty.  HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate.  Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones.  And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination.  Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun.  We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want.  I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking.  How awkward is that?  Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there?  My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.

So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test.  I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up.  We were devastated.  We were so sure it was going to work the first time.  Idealists.  So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month.  They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there.  It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts.  They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away.  I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid.  So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby.  After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid.  It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again.  The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus.  So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines.  It's exhausting. 

The whole process can be exhausting.  You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you.  I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too.  I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it.  It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day.  I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus.  People probably think I'm nuts.  But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day.  I was complaining to God about how tired I was.  How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting.  And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!).  It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM.  I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day.  One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days.  I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes.  We just have to trust Him with everything.  God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us.  He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it.  I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it.  And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome.  I pray that I have that kind of faith.  That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what.  Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not. 

Until next time...