One week down, one week to go. Thankfully Andy and I live pretty busy/crazy lives so time really does seem to fly by. We've been praying a lot in the last week (and a long time before that) about our little miracle (s). Just praying that God will do His work in our lives and bring us a miracle. We've been praying, our friends and family have been praying, churches we don't even belong to have been praying. We are truly part of an amazing group of people.
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
"Can I get directions?" - Sincerely, the sperm
I want to start out by saying we have amazing friends and family. We have so many people praying for us, and it is overwhelming. We have felt such peace in the past few days that we know it can only be from God. I know a lot of people/churches are getting away from laying hands on people to pray, but I believe it's important and powerful. We've had a lot of hands laid on us in the past week and we feel God with us. It's amazing.
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Expectations
Have you ever felt like God is doing something? Like really doing something? And you can feel it building under the surface, about to explode? That's where we are. We feel like we are on the verge of God doing something amazing in our lives. We have no idea what that is, or what form it may take, but we know it's coming and we're trusting in His promises - a promise for a hope and a future. More this week than last...if that's possible.
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Don't Stress
If it's this hard to find time to blog now, I can't wait until I have kids! I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I'm not sure if that translates well via blog. So if you ever read something and wonder if I'm kidding...I'm kidding.
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
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