Expectations

Have you ever felt like God is doing something?  Like really doing something?  And you can feel it building under the surface, about to explode?  That's where we are.  We feel like we are on the verge of God doing something amazing in our lives.  We have no idea what that is, or what form it may take, but we know it's coming and we're trusting in His promises - a promise for a hope and a future.  More this week than last...if that's possible.

So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday?  It was unfortunately well-founded.  I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good.  I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval.  After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation.  So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision.  I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car.  I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland).  So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself.  Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan.  My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference.  They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month.  Sigh...  Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it.  It made my heart hurt.  Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month.  Double sigh...

At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks.  Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant.  I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby.  Who does that?  Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager?  Oh wait...I do, that's right.  Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time.  Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying.  The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of.  And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents.  I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason.  It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that.  I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday.  But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God.  So we're scheduled for Friday morning.  We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him.  He'll get the glory.  So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.

I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."  And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans."  I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear.  So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord.  We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby.  Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them.  He has an amazing track record.  I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together.  How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense.  And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives.  The thought makes me smile.

Until next time...