I went to Women of Faith this weekend with a few friends from my Journey group at church. We went down to Wichita on Friday for the conference. I always come back from things like this completely fired up for Jesus and ready to change the world. My prayer is that my fire doesn't burn out. The speakers were amazing. Lysa Terkeurst was one of the speakers and she is hilarious and awesome. If you've never read one of her books or listened to her speak I encourage you to do so. She runs the www.Proverbs31.org website. You can sign up to have a devotional come directly to your inbox everyday. It's a great encouragement. I'm not saying I get a chance to read every single one of them, but they're always inspirational and usually just what I need to hear that day.
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
In Theory
I'm not sure why I said I was going to tell our story in chronological order, I haven't been very good at that. That being said, I'm going to skip ahead tonight. We are getting very close to our IVF dates and we're getting really excited/scared/nervous/anxious, pretty much a full range of emotions.
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
Monday, April 15, 2013
Impregnated by a needle...you hope
I've been trying to post about twice a week, but last week totally got away from me. One of the girls in my office quit and I have now taken on most of her responsibilities plus my own so I've been exhausted. But I'm back and back to the story.
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
Monday, April 8, 2013
They that wait...
Random fact (or opinion, whatever) to start out tonight - yoga is harder than it sounds. I started a class last Monday and it a little bit kicked my butt. Tonight was better. But I digress...
My grandma had this painting at her house, like my entire life. You know how grandmas' are, they keep things forever. It wasn't necessarily her prettiest picture, she had many others much more beautiful that she had painted herself. But it was always one of my favorites. It was a picture of an eagle and it had Isaiah 40:31 printed on it - "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". And the end of that old hymn right out of scripture says 'teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait'.
I was struggling with inspiration for what to write tonight. It's probably because I hit snooze this morning instead of getting out of bed to read my Bible and run...tomorrow I'll be all over it. So while I was in the shower after my crazy exhausting yoga class (I think I was misled into thinking yoga was relaxing) this song came to mind. I learned it as a little kid and it's always been one of my favorite old hymns. I like to belt it out in the shower every now and then and give Andy and the dogs a little mini-concert. It's usually at that point that he turns the TV up. I think as a little kid I liked the song because of the melody but not until I was older did I really understand what the words were saying, maybe not until the past few years if I'm being honest. There is so much hope tied up in that short verse. God's telling us to wait on Him, and He'll sustain us. No matter how tired or weak we get, no matter how much I want to give up and throw my hands in the air and say 'forget it', He's there, ready to pick me up off the ground and give me the strength I need to carry on. And as much as I want things to happen in my time-frame, He's asking me to wait on Him, in essence to trust Him, and He's promising something so much greater in the end. Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". So often God doesn't do something I want him to do or give me something I think I should have and I get frustrated because I want it yesterday, but in the end he does something better than I had pictured. If he would've given me what I wanted in the first place, I would have missed the bigger blessing he had waiting for me.
Does that mean I don't ever question God? No. I was on lunch the other day walking out of Starbucks and for whatever reason I was struck with just how much I want to be a mom. And I started asking God, is this ever going to happen for us? Are we ever going to get to be parents? And it's so hard not to think 'have I done something wrong', 'am I not going to be a good mom', 'there has to be a reason this hasn't happened for us yet'. And then I reel myself back in, or rather God does. And I remember there is a reason that this hasn't happened for us yet. I don't know if I have it figured out, but I know God has a plan. And maybe it's exactly what I'm doing right now. Maybe I'm going through this to help someone else get through it. I may not ever know this side of Heaven, but I trust in who God is. And that will have to be enough.
So if obedience and patience is what it takes to start our family, then obedience and patience is what God will get from me. I'm not going to get all crazy and act like I'm really good at that because I'm not, but I pray for a willing heart. Is this journey how I want to learn patience and reliance on God? Probably not. But does God know this is most likely the only way I'm going to learn patience and reliance on Him? Probably. I'm a big enough person to admit that. I get it wrong more than I get it right, and I'm stubborn and proud (which I just found out about the proud thing) and sometimes I'm just a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums to get my way. But God loves me anyway and He's still working on me. He has high hopes for all of His children if we'll just be still enough to listen.
Until next time...
My grandma had this painting at her house, like my entire life. You know how grandmas' are, they keep things forever. It wasn't necessarily her prettiest picture, she had many others much more beautiful that she had painted herself. But it was always one of my favorites. It was a picture of an eagle and it had Isaiah 40:31 printed on it - "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint". And the end of that old hymn right out of scripture says 'teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait'.
I was struggling with inspiration for what to write tonight. It's probably because I hit snooze this morning instead of getting out of bed to read my Bible and run...tomorrow I'll be all over it. So while I was in the shower after my crazy exhausting yoga class (I think I was misled into thinking yoga was relaxing) this song came to mind. I learned it as a little kid and it's always been one of my favorite old hymns. I like to belt it out in the shower every now and then and give Andy and the dogs a little mini-concert. It's usually at that point that he turns the TV up. I think as a little kid I liked the song because of the melody but not until I was older did I really understand what the words were saying, maybe not until the past few years if I'm being honest. There is so much hope tied up in that short verse. God's telling us to wait on Him, and He'll sustain us. No matter how tired or weak we get, no matter how much I want to give up and throw my hands in the air and say 'forget it', He's there, ready to pick me up off the ground and give me the strength I need to carry on. And as much as I want things to happen in my time-frame, He's asking me to wait on Him, in essence to trust Him, and He's promising something so much greater in the end. Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". So often God doesn't do something I want him to do or give me something I think I should have and I get frustrated because I want it yesterday, but in the end he does something better than I had pictured. If he would've given me what I wanted in the first place, I would have missed the bigger blessing he had waiting for me.
Does that mean I don't ever question God? No. I was on lunch the other day walking out of Starbucks and for whatever reason I was struck with just how much I want to be a mom. And I started asking God, is this ever going to happen for us? Are we ever going to get to be parents? And it's so hard not to think 'have I done something wrong', 'am I not going to be a good mom', 'there has to be a reason this hasn't happened for us yet'. And then I reel myself back in, or rather God does. And I remember there is a reason that this hasn't happened for us yet. I don't know if I have it figured out, but I know God has a plan. And maybe it's exactly what I'm doing right now. Maybe I'm going through this to help someone else get through it. I may not ever know this side of Heaven, but I trust in who God is. And that will have to be enough.
So if obedience and patience is what it takes to start our family, then obedience and patience is what God will get from me. I'm not going to get all crazy and act like I'm really good at that because I'm not, but I pray for a willing heart. Is this journey how I want to learn patience and reliance on God? Probably not. But does God know this is most likely the only way I'm going to learn patience and reliance on Him? Probably. I'm a big enough person to admit that. I get it wrong more than I get it right, and I'm stubborn and proud (which I just found out about the proud thing) and sometimes I'm just a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums to get my way. But God loves me anyway and He's still working on me. He has high hopes for all of His children if we'll just be still enough to listen.
Until next time...
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Back to the story
OK - I'm getting back on track with our infertility story. So my husband went and got checked out, and we found out he had slow swimmers. If anyone's a 'Friends' fan, here's your Chandler reference for the night - 'it means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers, and you have a uterus that's prepared to kill the ones that do'. Thankfully we just have one of those problems.
In order to find out that everything was OK with me, they of course drew blood (it's their favorite) and then they scheduled me for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). The layman's for that is dye test. I had to take the afternoon off work and go to the outpatient center at the hospital. This is why they start with the $100 semen analysis - everything after that goes up in cost exponentially. For the test, the doctor shoots dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages. I have a really retroflexed (tilted) uterus so she was having a hard time seeing everything properly. I had to lift my hips and roll from side to side. They told me it was going to be a little bit uncomfortable so I could take some ibuprofen before I came. I took 800 milligrams, and there's a strong chance I'm just a sissy, but it hurt like a mother. I was giving my husband some practice for when I'm in labor - I was crushing his hand. I wanted to spread around the pain. He told me later how bad it hurt, but didn't feel that during my procedure was the right time to complain about the squeezing. He's a smart man. But for those of you who haven't had it done yet, it's great, you'll love it, it doesn't hurt at all :). But seriously, find someone with prescription pain killers and take one. Not that I'm advocating illegal drug use in any way. The best news about that test is that the pain stops as soon as the test is over. Which meant I had the rest of the afternoon off with my husband!
So we had that under our belts - semen analysis, check; HSG, check. And thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with me. We went back to the doctor and discussed our plan of attack. We started out with one infertility doctor whom we really loved, and she ended up leaving the practice seemingly out of the blue so we're now seeing a different doctor. We like him too. Our first doctor was fairly conservative and wanted us to do 3-4 IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) with clomid. So we started there. I feel like that experience is another day's topic - I have a lot to say on the matter. I'll pick up there on my next post.
To switch gears, I'm part of what's called a journey group at church. It's 6 women in different stages of life. We hang out once a month, memorize scripture, pray for each other, hold each other accountable - it's a great group. One of the things we are doing is reading a Proverbs a day. Proverbs 31 is all about being a good Christian woman and the book of Proverbs itself is about wisdom. We read the chapter that corresponds with the day, so today we read chapter 3. Verses 5-6 say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." The leader of our group sent that verse out to all of us this morning, and God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hate to admit this to everyone, but I'm a bit of a control freak. I like order, and I like things done a certain way, and I definitely want it to be my way! God's still working on me. And that's one of the reasons that I struggle with this infertility journey. I want a baby now, under my terms, in my time frame. And I often wonder if that's why God has chosen this path for us. Because I can honestly say that I've grown more in the past year, then I have in a very long time. But it's a beautiful struggle because as much as I don't want to give up control, I know God is working to make me the person that he wants me to be. My mind is so finite that I can't see the big picture, I can only see the here and now and can't see past the struggle. But God sees it all and he knows what's best for me. And not only that, but he wants what's best for me and is guiding me down that path. He's my heavenly father. And just like my earthly dad, he wants to give me the desires of my heart. But since he can see everything, he also knows the right timing to give me those desires. So I'm trusting him, just like the verse says. Not to say that doesn't take work, like every 5 minutes I have to remind myself, but my own understanding is so lacking compared to God's. But one of the beautiful things about God's directions is that they always end in hope - 'and he will make your paths straight'.
Until next time...
In order to find out that everything was OK with me, they of course drew blood (it's their favorite) and then they scheduled me for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). The layman's for that is dye test. I had to take the afternoon off work and go to the outpatient center at the hospital. This is why they start with the $100 semen analysis - everything after that goes up in cost exponentially. For the test, the doctor shoots dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there aren't any blockages. I have a really retroflexed (tilted) uterus so she was having a hard time seeing everything properly. I had to lift my hips and roll from side to side. They told me it was going to be a little bit uncomfortable so I could take some ibuprofen before I came. I took 800 milligrams, and there's a strong chance I'm just a sissy, but it hurt like a mother. I was giving my husband some practice for when I'm in labor - I was crushing his hand. I wanted to spread around the pain. He told me later how bad it hurt, but didn't feel that during my procedure was the right time to complain about the squeezing. He's a smart man. But for those of you who haven't had it done yet, it's great, you'll love it, it doesn't hurt at all :). But seriously, find someone with prescription pain killers and take one. Not that I'm advocating illegal drug use in any way. The best news about that test is that the pain stops as soon as the test is over. Which meant I had the rest of the afternoon off with my husband!
So we had that under our belts - semen analysis, check; HSG, check. And thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with me. We went back to the doctor and discussed our plan of attack. We started out with one infertility doctor whom we really loved, and she ended up leaving the practice seemingly out of the blue so we're now seeing a different doctor. We like him too. Our first doctor was fairly conservative and wanted us to do 3-4 IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) with clomid. So we started there. I feel like that experience is another day's topic - I have a lot to say on the matter. I'll pick up there on my next post.
To switch gears, I'm part of what's called a journey group at church. It's 6 women in different stages of life. We hang out once a month, memorize scripture, pray for each other, hold each other accountable - it's a great group. One of the things we are doing is reading a Proverbs a day. Proverbs 31 is all about being a good Christian woman and the book of Proverbs itself is about wisdom. We read the chapter that corresponds with the day, so today we read chapter 3. Verses 5-6 say "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." The leader of our group sent that verse out to all of us this morning, and God knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hate to admit this to everyone, but I'm a bit of a control freak. I like order, and I like things done a certain way, and I definitely want it to be my way! God's still working on me. And that's one of the reasons that I struggle with this infertility journey. I want a baby now, under my terms, in my time frame. And I often wonder if that's why God has chosen this path for us. Because I can honestly say that I've grown more in the past year, then I have in a very long time. But it's a beautiful struggle because as much as I don't want to give up control, I know God is working to make me the person that he wants me to be. My mind is so finite that I can't see the big picture, I can only see the here and now and can't see past the struggle. But God sees it all and he knows what's best for me. And not only that, but he wants what's best for me and is guiding me down that path. He's my heavenly father. And just like my earthly dad, he wants to give me the desires of my heart. But since he can see everything, he also knows the right timing to give me those desires. So I'm trusting him, just like the verse says. Not to say that doesn't take work, like every 5 minutes I have to remind myself, but my own understanding is so lacking compared to God's. But one of the beautiful things about God's directions is that they always end in hope - 'and he will make your paths straight'.
Until next time...
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