It's been a minute since I've written. We've had a lot going on and we've gotten a lot of crazy news in the past couple of weeks. We needed just a little bit of time to process it all. We found out a little over a week ago that the IUI didn't work. We didn't get the miracle we were praying so desperately for. The same day I found out I wasn't pregnant I got a call from my doctor's office to let me know that my doctor had passed away unexpectedly two days earlier. Now what? It's not like you can call up an infertility doctor and tell them you want to have IVF in three weeks. It doesn't work like that. My doctor's office had a doctor they were working with at the hospital who had agreed to take over the June cycle. So many of us had already been canceled that they didn't want to interrupt treatment and make us miss June's cycle too.
This doctor does things a little bit different than my old doctor so I had to start my medications a little bit earlier than I thought. I went in last Monday for my baseline sonogram and they told me I had a few cysts, which is normal for me, and that they would clear up with the birth control. But with the new doctor I was only on birth control for two days and was scheduled to start one of my meds Friday morning and the rest today. So I went back in Friday morning and they told me I still had some follicles either left over from the last cycle or my body was producing them too early. I didn't have them when I needed them and now I have too many. Go figure. I can't say I'm surprised that my body doesn't know which way is up. It's been told what to do so much in the past year and a half it doesn't know when it's supposed to be doing anything. So all that means that I have to skip the June cycle too. I was devastated.
I was asked to speak at a women's event at our church last night to share my story. It's something I've never done before but I would love to do more often. Thursday night, as I was writing out what I wanted to talk about, I had this overwhelming thought of "what are we doing?". I think it was God opening my eyes. We made our decision to move forward with IVF in December. In the past six months, my doctor got sick for three months and our egg retrieval was pushed back to mid-May. I was then given bad drugs and didn't produce enough follicles to go through with the egg retrieval for May's cycle. I found out the IUI didn't work and that my doctor passed away. I realized all of this even before I went to the doctor on Friday and got the news that I couldn't do June's cycle. And when I left the doctor's office on Friday I said 'OK God, I hear you. I'm ready to do it your way.' God was saying to me, 'how many more roadblocks do I need to drop in your path before you open your eyes and see?' This isn't where God wants us. It's where we wanted us.
I never wanted to do infertility treatments. From the minute we recognized that something was wrong, I didn't want to do infertility. I felt so clearly God calling us to adopt, but I didn't want to. I was being selfish. I wanted my own baby. I did, with everything I wanted my own baby. So even though I knew it wasn't what God wanted from us, we started with infertility. Because it was exciting! We felt like we were doing something productive. Like we were going to make it happen on our own. That never works. We could have all of the medicine in the world and the best doctor's in the world, but if it's not God's plan for you, none of that matters. God opened my eyes to that on Friday. And I'm just sorry it took me a year and a half to figure that out.
When I was preparing for my talk last night I wanted to tie it in with an amazing story from the Bible. And I was thinking maybe I'll talk about Job, he went through a lot. And then I thought, you're no Job. How can you even compare yourself to him? And while I was praying yesterday morning, I was telling God that I feel so tossed on the waves of life right now. I don't know which way to turn. And in that moment, God said to me, you're Jonah. And that's what I want you talk about tonight. And I said I'm not Jonah. God do you even remember his story? I mean he's the guy that ran from you on a boat because he didn't want to go to Ninevah. How is that me? And God said you've been running from me for a long time. You knew what I wanted you to do and you chose to go your own way. And just like Jonah, I feel like we've been living in the belly of a whale for the past year. And the worst part is, we didn't even know it. We have been so far from God's plan for our lives and didn't want to recognize it because we wanted it our way. And even though God's opened my eyes to that, just like Jonah, I'm still questioning Him. And that's not a bad thing. God's OK if we question Him. But I don't doubt Him and His plans for us. I don't doubt for one second that He is more than capable of bringing us a baby. Romans 8:37 tells us that "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Andy and I will be more than conquerors through this. We don't feel like it right now, but one day when we're on the other side we're going to look back and see exactly how God brought us through this. And we'll see how every circumstance and every piece of bad news was from Him, a necessary piece of the puzzle to get us where He wanted us. Because He was working it all out in His timing. And it will all make sense in the end.
So, we're back to adoption. Where we should've been all along. And I don't think God's angry with us for taking this long to figure it out, but I do think that we may have missed out on an earlier blessing by waiting. But now, we believe that God has a baby just for us. And we are praying for that little baby, and we are praying for that birth-mom. And we're trusting in God. I still have questions that may never be answered, and I still have reservations about adoption. But God is asking us to trust Him and to take that leap of faith. And we know that when we do, we'll be blessed or possibly a blessing to someone else. Everyone wins when it's God's plan.
Through all of this, I feel completely free. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't think I realized just how much infertility was weighing on me until now. I praise God for opening my eyes to His truth and to His plan. And even though I only see a glimpse of it, I know it's good because Jeremiah 29:11 promises it.
Until next time...
