If it's this hard to find time to blog now, I can't wait until I have kids! I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I'm not sure if that translates well via blog. So if you ever read something and wonder if I'm kidding...I'm kidding.
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
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