One week down, one week to go. Thankfully Andy and I live pretty busy/crazy lives so time really does seem to fly by. We've been praying a lot in the last week (and a long time before that) about our little miracle (s). Just praying that God will do His work in our lives and bring us a miracle. We've been praying, our friends and family have been praying, churches we don't even belong to have been praying. We are truly part of an amazing group of people.
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
"Can I get directions?" - Sincerely, the sperm
I want to start out by saying we have amazing friends and family. We have so many people praying for us, and it is overwhelming. We have felt such peace in the past few days that we know it can only be from God. I know a lot of people/churches are getting away from laying hands on people to pray, but I believe it's important and powerful. We've had a lot of hands laid on us in the past week and we feel God with us. It's amazing.
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Expectations
Have you ever felt like God is doing something? Like really doing something? And you can feel it building under the surface, about to explode? That's where we are. We feel like we are on the verge of God doing something amazing in our lives. We have no idea what that is, or what form it may take, but we know it's coming and we're trusting in His promises - a promise for a hope and a future. More this week than last...if that's possible.
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Don't Stress
If it's this hard to find time to blog now, I can't wait until I have kids! I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I'm not sure if that translates well via blog. So if you ever read something and wonder if I'm kidding...I'm kidding.
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wall of Impossibility
I went to Women of Faith this weekend with a few friends from my Journey group at church. We went down to Wichita on Friday for the conference. I always come back from things like this completely fired up for Jesus and ready to change the world. My prayer is that my fire doesn't burn out. The speakers were amazing. Lysa Terkeurst was one of the speakers and she is hilarious and awesome. If you've never read one of her books or listened to her speak I encourage you to do so. She runs the www.Proverbs31.org website. You can sign up to have a devotional come directly to your inbox everyday. It's a great encouragement. I'm not saying I get a chance to read every single one of them, but they're always inspirational and usually just what I need to hear that day.
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
In Theory
I'm not sure why I said I was going to tell our story in chronological order, I haven't been very good at that. That being said, I'm going to skip ahead tonight. We are getting very close to our IVF dates and we're getting really excited/scared/nervous/anxious, pretty much a full range of emotions.
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
I went to the doctor last Thursday to meet with one of the nurses to do my teach. I had to go in for about an hour and she taught me how to mix my drugs and give myself the injections. It sounds easy enough, right? Nope. I'm more of a numbers person, I deal with a lot of financials everyday, not so much with getting syringes ready. I'm pretty sure I sucked at it and she was just too nice to say that. She was very patient with me. I'm in the habit at my job of repeating everything back so I make sure I understand, and I feel fairly confident that I left there somewhat knowing what I'm doing. I start one of my drugs tomorrow and the rest in about 10 days so there are no guarantees that I'll remember anything I learned by the time I actually need to use it. I hope you can't OD on fertility drugs :).
The nurse was going through the whole IVF process with me again. Apparently there's an IVF consent form that we were supposed to sign but hadn't yet. It goes through all of the risks, processes, expenses, etc. of what to expect when doing IVF. One of the things we had to make a decision on was what we wanted to do with any leftover eggs that were frozen if anything happens to us (death, divorce, etc.). But it's til death do us part no matter what so that didn't really factor in to our decision. But if one of use should die they want to know if you want the embryos destroyed, donated to science, or donated to a family. We of course don't want them destroyed because they're a life that God created, and we don't know what they would do with them if they were donated to science, so we decided to donate them to a family. It's the same decision after I turn 50 because I'll be too old to have a baby. After we made our decision, Andy told me he was going to write up his resume for when they're given to a family - he wants to make sure all of his attributes are accounted for I suppose :).
As the nurse was walking me through the process, she was telling me that they'll harvest my eggs and they'll immediately fertilize them in the lab. We had to make the decision on whether or not we want ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where they inject one sperm directly into one egg to guarantee fertilization. We chose to do it at the labs discretion. That way if his numbers are good, they may decide we don't need it, if not they'll do it. It's an additional $1,500 so we don't want to pay for something we don't need. The doctor's goal is to harvest about 12 eggs. Out of those 12 about 6 will be good embryos. They let them grow in petri dishes and ideally like to do the transfer on day 5. They can do the transfer on day 3, but if they do that it means that the embryos can't survive outside of the uterus so there will be none to cryo. Which means if it doesn't work or if we ever want more babies we'll have to go through the whole process again. While she was telling me all of this I was fighting tears. It's a discussion we've had so many times and we know the odds, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. It's easy to understand it in theory, but harder to grasp in reality. So we're praying for at least 12 eggs and hoping that at least 6 are good embryos and that they make it to 5 days. The Bible says to be specific when you pray, and we're doing it. We want to make sure we don't leave anything out. So while we're at it - we'd like twins, preferably a boy and a girl. One and done. We're 30 for goodness sakes.
We had to make a lot of big decisions last weekend and now we're finally to the point where we're moving forward! It's so exciting and we feel like we've been waiting forever. While the nurse was talking to me, I was reminded of our Sunday School lesson from the week before. We're reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's an amazing book. I should warn you though, it will change your life if you let it, so be prepared. In class, we were talking about God's love for us. The book was talking about the difference between knowing God's love in theory, and knowing it intimately. I've been taught since a young age that Jesus loves me and that God is love...in my head. But do I always believe it and recognize it as truth in my heart? Do I always believe that the God of the universe loves me, Amber, someone who messes up more than she gets it right? Someone who knows what is right, but sometimes purposefully does what is wrong because she wanted to? It's hard to wrap our heads around that truth. And until we fully experience God, it may be a truth that is only realized in theory. Until a few years ago, I think I was still just getting "it" in my head, not in my heart. But God got ahold of me and made it all so real. I pray that the same thing happens for all of you. It's a parallel concept - the more involved we get in IVF, the more real it becomes and the more we understand it all. The more intimate we get with God, the more we get to know Him and love Him, the more we understand Him and His will for our lives. He loves us no matter what. We push Him away, but He loves us anyway. There's a Casting Crowns song "In Me" that says how refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me. Isn't that an awesome truth? The God who created the world, knit you together in your mother's womb, wants to have a relationship with you. He doesn't need to, but He wants to. Let Him.
Until next time...
Monday, April 15, 2013
Impregnated by a needle...you hope
I've been trying to post about twice a week, but last week totally got away from me. One of the girls in my office quit and I have now taken on most of her responsibilities plus my own so I've been exhausted. But I'm back and back to the story.
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
So with all of our blood work and testing done, we were ready to start our IUI's (intrauterine insemination). Our doctor had recommended we try 3-4 with Clomid and then move on to injectables if those didn't work. Clomid is just an oral drug that makes you produce more eggs. I handled the drug well, but I had a friend who said it made her crazy and she couldn't take it. I was glad that wasn't me. Clomid is prescribed one pill per day from days 3-7 of your period. On day 12 you go in for an ultrasound and they give you an HCG (trigger) shot in your booty. HCG is what triggers your body to ovulate. Then Andy would go in the next morning at 7:30 to leave his deposit (he loves it when I say that) and the doctor's office would spin the sperm so we were only left with the good ones. And then I would show up at 9:00 for the insemination. Quick funny side note, we had to go in on a Saturday for one of our IUI's so we went in together and were going to go have breakfast while we waited for the sperm to be spun. We were the only ones in the office, and when the doctor opened the door for Andy to go into the room he looked at me and said you can go in with him if you want. I looked at him (probably like he was crazy) and was like I'm all set, thanks for asking. How awkward is that? Like he wouldn't know what we were doing in there? My sister says I'm a prude...I am what I am.
So we did the first IUI and you have to wait 2 weeks before you can take a pregnancy test. I unfortunately started my period before my two weeks was even up. We were devastated. We were so sure it was going to work the first time. Idealists. So we got back on the horse and tried it again the second month. They had found some cysts when they did my sonogram so they wanted to do a baseline sono while I was on my period to see if they were always there. It turns out, the Clomid made me produce cysts. They like you to take a month off (and be on birth control) for them to go away. I however didn't know that so I had already started my next round of Clomid. So it went, another IUI, no baby, take a month off, start the Clomid, another IUI, no baby. After the third unsuccessful attempt I told Andy no more with just Clomid. It's too heart breaking to live on a two week cycle...start your period, take your clomid, IUI, pregnancy test, do it all over again. The worst part is you have to take a pregnancy test no matter what because the Clomid is dangerous to a fetus. So it's kind of like a slap in the face - you know you're not pregnant, but you can't help but hold out hope that the stick will have two lines. It's exhausting.
The whole process can be exhausting. You get so wrapped up in what you're going through and what you're putting your body through that you can lose sight of what's going on around you. I feel like I'm a terrible friend because I'm so immersed in this crazy cycle that I forget that other people are going through things too. I don't know if any of you listen to Christian radio, but if not I highly recommend it. It is so uplifting and gives me such a good perspective on my day. I've always been moved by music and there are days when I'll be driving to work crying and singing and praising Jesus. People probably think I'm nuts. But one morning I was driving to work and having a really feel sorry for myself kind of day. I was complaining to God about how tired I was. How it shouldn't be this hard to have a baby and I was tired of fighting. And a song came on by Tenth Avenue North (I dragged Andy to their concert a few months ago and they are awesome!). It's called "Worn" and here's the link to YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM. I encourage you to listen to it if you're having a bad day, or if you're just having a day. One line says 'I want to know a song can rise, from the ashes of a broken life and all that's dead inside can be reborn' and that's my prayer some days. I feel like broken goods, like there's something wrong with me, but I just have to remember that God can make beautiful things rise from the ashes. We just have to trust Him with everything. God doesn't want part of us, the part that's easy to give Him, He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything over to Him and trust Him to handle it. I recently read a book called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst (it's an amazing book) and she was telling a story about when their new baby was in the hospital and it looked like she wasn't going to make it. And her husband took her out to the parking lot and told her that they needed to get it settled in their hearts that they would love God no matter the outcome. I pray that I have that kind of faith. That no matter what this life brings and no matter what God decides to bless us with or not bless us with, that I will love Him no matter what. Because He's worthy of my love whether He chooses to bless me or not.
Until next time...
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