Wow...so it's been a while. We have had so much going on since my last entry. Life has certainly changed in a hurry. After we made the decision to stop infertility treatments, we weren't necessarily sure which direction God was leading us in. We celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary in June and I have to say, we never thought we would be celebrating this particular anniversary and not have at least a couple of kids running around. We were at Jazz in the Woods and my sister sent me a text of a little boy who goes to their church who is foster kid. She'd told us about him before, but we just weren't there yet. The night of our anniversary something changed. Andy and I were both like 'let's do this'. I believe it was God stirring our hearts. So on Monday I signed us up for foster care classes. We had no idea where it was going to lead, but we knew God was leading us in that direction. So without having any idea of what to expect, we started class. And what a ride it's been since then. We met some amazing people, and it's no coincidence that God put them in our lives. It's a 10 week class which seems like forever when you sign up, but it completely flew by. By the last week we couldn't believe it was already over. And it all moves very quickly after that. The state is so desperate for foster homes. We filled out all of our paperwork and got a letter in the mail saying it would be a month or so before we received our temporary license. The next night I got a call stating our temporary license had been approved and they had 2 year old twin boys who needed an adoptive home and wanted to know if we were interested. I was literally speechless (which rarely happens to me). So we thought we had a month, but turns out you want to know if we're possibly interested in adopting 2 boys we've never met, and this is our very first ever placement call? We're going to have to pass on that one. Which is a really horrible feeling. You feel like you want to take every placement and feel so guilty when it's not a good fit or the right timing. Our end goal as a family is to adopt since we can't have kids of our own. It is crazy how many calls you get as a foster parent; crazy and heartbreaking. The amount of kids who need homes is staggering. I was getting multiple calls a day asking for placement. We accepted a placement of 2 and 3 year old boys, but in the end there was a grandma who was most likely going to get them, so we ended up passing on that. And then we got the call for the kiddos we have now. A 2 year old boy and a 6 year old boy (they're brothers). We knew our calling when we got into foster care was to be able to offer a home to sibling sets so they wouldn't have to be separated. So we literally jumped in with both feet, hands, head, you name it. And most days it feels like we're drowning. It is a huge adjustment to go from 0 to 2 overnight. It's an adjustment for us, it's an adjustment for them.
So we're navigating the waters, sometimes below the surface needing air, other times we get to come up to catch our breath, even if it's just for a moment. I have so many stories to share and Biblical principals I'm learning along the way. There's no doubt in our minds this is exactly where God wants us. And it is HARD. But our pastor just said tonight that it's the things in life that we have to work at, that are the most worth it. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24
Until next time...
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Jonah
It's been a minute since I've written. We've had a lot going on and we've gotten a lot of crazy news in the past couple of weeks. We needed just a little bit of time to process it all. We found out a little over a week ago that the IUI didn't work. We didn't get the miracle we were praying so desperately for. The same day I found out I wasn't pregnant I got a call from my doctor's office to let me know that my doctor had passed away unexpectedly two days earlier. Now what? It's not like you can call up an infertility doctor and tell them you want to have IVF in three weeks. It doesn't work like that. My doctor's office had a doctor they were working with at the hospital who had agreed to take over the June cycle. So many of us had already been canceled that they didn't want to interrupt treatment and make us miss June's cycle too.
This doctor does things a little bit different than my old doctor so I had to start my medications a little bit earlier than I thought. I went in last Monday for my baseline sonogram and they told me I had a few cysts, which is normal for me, and that they would clear up with the birth control. But with the new doctor I was only on birth control for two days and was scheduled to start one of my meds Friday morning and the rest today. So I went back in Friday morning and they told me I still had some follicles either left over from the last cycle or my body was producing them too early. I didn't have them when I needed them and now I have too many. Go figure. I can't say I'm surprised that my body doesn't know which way is up. It's been told what to do so much in the past year and a half it doesn't know when it's supposed to be doing anything. So all that means that I have to skip the June cycle too. I was devastated.
I was asked to speak at a women's event at our church last night to share my story. It's something I've never done before but I would love to do more often. Thursday night, as I was writing out what I wanted to talk about, I had this overwhelming thought of "what are we doing?". I think it was God opening my eyes. We made our decision to move forward with IVF in December. In the past six months, my doctor got sick for three months and our egg retrieval was pushed back to mid-May. I was then given bad drugs and didn't produce enough follicles to go through with the egg retrieval for May's cycle. I found out the IUI didn't work and that my doctor passed away. I realized all of this even before I went to the doctor on Friday and got the news that I couldn't do June's cycle. And when I left the doctor's office on Friday I said 'OK God, I hear you. I'm ready to do it your way.' God was saying to me, 'how many more roadblocks do I need to drop in your path before you open your eyes and see?' This isn't where God wants us. It's where we wanted us.
I never wanted to do infertility treatments. From the minute we recognized that something was wrong, I didn't want to do infertility. I felt so clearly God calling us to adopt, but I didn't want to. I was being selfish. I wanted my own baby. I did, with everything I wanted my own baby. So even though I knew it wasn't what God wanted from us, we started with infertility. Because it was exciting! We felt like we were doing something productive. Like we were going to make it happen on our own. That never works. We could have all of the medicine in the world and the best doctor's in the world, but if it's not God's plan for you, none of that matters. God opened my eyes to that on Friday. And I'm just sorry it took me a year and a half to figure that out.
When I was preparing for my talk last night I wanted to tie it in with an amazing story from the Bible. And I was thinking maybe I'll talk about Job, he went through a lot. And then I thought, you're no Job. How can you even compare yourself to him? And while I was praying yesterday morning, I was telling God that I feel so tossed on the waves of life right now. I don't know which way to turn. And in that moment, God said to me, you're Jonah. And that's what I want you talk about tonight. And I said I'm not Jonah. God do you even remember his story? I mean he's the guy that ran from you on a boat because he didn't want to go to Ninevah. How is that me? And God said you've been running from me for a long time. You knew what I wanted you to do and you chose to go your own way. And just like Jonah, I feel like we've been living in the belly of a whale for the past year. And the worst part is, we didn't even know it. We have been so far from God's plan for our lives and didn't want to recognize it because we wanted it our way. And even though God's opened my eyes to that, just like Jonah, I'm still questioning Him. And that's not a bad thing. God's OK if we question Him. But I don't doubt Him and His plans for us. I don't doubt for one second that He is more than capable of bringing us a baby. Romans 8:37 tells us that "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Andy and I will be more than conquerors through this. We don't feel like it right now, but one day when we're on the other side we're going to look back and see exactly how God brought us through this. And we'll see how every circumstance and every piece of bad news was from Him, a necessary piece of the puzzle to get us where He wanted us. Because He was working it all out in His timing. And it will all make sense in the end.
So, we're back to adoption. Where we should've been all along. And I don't think God's angry with us for taking this long to figure it out, but I do think that we may have missed out on an earlier blessing by waiting. But now, we believe that God has a baby just for us. And we are praying for that little baby, and we are praying for that birth-mom. And we're trusting in God. I still have questions that may never be answered, and I still have reservations about adoption. But God is asking us to trust Him and to take that leap of faith. And we know that when we do, we'll be blessed or possibly a blessing to someone else. Everyone wins when it's God's plan.
Through all of this, I feel completely free. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't think I realized just how much infertility was weighing on me until now. I praise God for opening my eyes to His truth and to His plan. And even though I only see a glimpse of it, I know it's good because Jeremiah 29:11 promises it.
Until next time...
This doctor does things a little bit different than my old doctor so I had to start my medications a little bit earlier than I thought. I went in last Monday for my baseline sonogram and they told me I had a few cysts, which is normal for me, and that they would clear up with the birth control. But with the new doctor I was only on birth control for two days and was scheduled to start one of my meds Friday morning and the rest today. So I went back in Friday morning and they told me I still had some follicles either left over from the last cycle or my body was producing them too early. I didn't have them when I needed them and now I have too many. Go figure. I can't say I'm surprised that my body doesn't know which way is up. It's been told what to do so much in the past year and a half it doesn't know when it's supposed to be doing anything. So all that means that I have to skip the June cycle too. I was devastated.
I was asked to speak at a women's event at our church last night to share my story. It's something I've never done before but I would love to do more often. Thursday night, as I was writing out what I wanted to talk about, I had this overwhelming thought of "what are we doing?". I think it was God opening my eyes. We made our decision to move forward with IVF in December. In the past six months, my doctor got sick for three months and our egg retrieval was pushed back to mid-May. I was then given bad drugs and didn't produce enough follicles to go through with the egg retrieval for May's cycle. I found out the IUI didn't work and that my doctor passed away. I realized all of this even before I went to the doctor on Friday and got the news that I couldn't do June's cycle. And when I left the doctor's office on Friday I said 'OK God, I hear you. I'm ready to do it your way.' God was saying to me, 'how many more roadblocks do I need to drop in your path before you open your eyes and see?' This isn't where God wants us. It's where we wanted us.
I never wanted to do infertility treatments. From the minute we recognized that something was wrong, I didn't want to do infertility. I felt so clearly God calling us to adopt, but I didn't want to. I was being selfish. I wanted my own baby. I did, with everything I wanted my own baby. So even though I knew it wasn't what God wanted from us, we started with infertility. Because it was exciting! We felt like we were doing something productive. Like we were going to make it happen on our own. That never works. We could have all of the medicine in the world and the best doctor's in the world, but if it's not God's plan for you, none of that matters. God opened my eyes to that on Friday. And I'm just sorry it took me a year and a half to figure that out.
When I was preparing for my talk last night I wanted to tie it in with an amazing story from the Bible. And I was thinking maybe I'll talk about Job, he went through a lot. And then I thought, you're no Job. How can you even compare yourself to him? And while I was praying yesterday morning, I was telling God that I feel so tossed on the waves of life right now. I don't know which way to turn. And in that moment, God said to me, you're Jonah. And that's what I want you talk about tonight. And I said I'm not Jonah. God do you even remember his story? I mean he's the guy that ran from you on a boat because he didn't want to go to Ninevah. How is that me? And God said you've been running from me for a long time. You knew what I wanted you to do and you chose to go your own way. And just like Jonah, I feel like we've been living in the belly of a whale for the past year. And the worst part is, we didn't even know it. We have been so far from God's plan for our lives and didn't want to recognize it because we wanted it our way. And even though God's opened my eyes to that, just like Jonah, I'm still questioning Him. And that's not a bad thing. God's OK if we question Him. But I don't doubt Him and His plans for us. I don't doubt for one second that He is more than capable of bringing us a baby. Romans 8:37 tells us that "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Andy and I will be more than conquerors through this. We don't feel like it right now, but one day when we're on the other side we're going to look back and see exactly how God brought us through this. And we'll see how every circumstance and every piece of bad news was from Him, a necessary piece of the puzzle to get us where He wanted us. Because He was working it all out in His timing. And it will all make sense in the end.
So, we're back to adoption. Where we should've been all along. And I don't think God's angry with us for taking this long to figure it out, but I do think that we may have missed out on an earlier blessing by waiting. But now, we believe that God has a baby just for us. And we are praying for that little baby, and we are praying for that birth-mom. And we're trusting in God. I still have questions that may never be answered, and I still have reservations about adoption. But God is asking us to trust Him and to take that leap of faith. And we know that when we do, we'll be blessed or possibly a blessing to someone else. Everyone wins when it's God's plan.
Through all of this, I feel completely free. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't think I realized just how much infertility was weighing on me until now. I praise God for opening my eyes to His truth and to His plan. And even though I only see a glimpse of it, I know it's good because Jeremiah 29:11 promises it.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Waiting...kind of patiently
One week down, one week to go. Thankfully Andy and I live pretty busy/crazy lives so time really does seem to fly by. We've been praying a lot in the last week (and a long time before that) about our little miracle (s). Just praying that God will do His work in our lives and bring us a miracle. We've been praying, our friends and family have been praying, churches we don't even belong to have been praying. We are truly part of an amazing group of people.
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
All that to say, that we've been praying for our miracle (a baby, in case you didn't know) and that's it. But you know how God is kind of amazing and He works all things out for the good of those who love Him? Even the things you don't think about? We've been prepared for IVF to cost about $12,000. Since this cycle didn't work, we figured OK, there's $3,000 wasted, so what was $12,000 turned into $15,000. Bummer. I got a random call from my doctor's office and one of the nurse practitioners told me she was trending the drug response for this cycle. Here's the crazy part - 90% of the cycle was canceled due to lack of response. What a relief to find out it wasn't me!!! The drugs are to blame. So if there were 15 couples, 13 of them were canceled for this cycle. She said some were canceled as early as their second day on the drug. Others (like me) who had a little response stayed on the drugs the full 10 days, so we were out a lot more money. Sooooo, she filed a claim with the pharmaceutical company and they've told us they will refund us the money or give us free drugs! Isn't that exciting?!? And since I was on the drugs the full time, it's not just one drug we're out, it's all three, plus sonograms and blood draws. I think we may get reimbursed for it all! This is something we never dreamed would happen, but God worked it all out. Now we're telling everyone to doubly pray for a miracle, because if I'm pregnant, it was like free infertility month. And that NEVER happens :).
I was reading out of Jeremiah this morning and that's where the amazing verse "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5a comes from. But as I read about Jeremiah's life, as hopeful and amazing as that verse sounds, he had it rough. The rest of verse 5 goes on to say that "I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I don't know if you know a lot about prophets in the Bible, but it wasn't a desirable calling. They were generally killed in vicious ways for speaking God's word against powerful people. So Jeremiah gets this amazing calling from God, that he is chosen. God designed him specifically for this task. But it's a not a task Jeremiah would've asked for I'm guessing. Because God goes on to say that He's appointing Jeremiah to uproot and tear down nations, to destroy and overthrow. I wouldn't want to be sent into other countries to tell their leaders, "ummm...yeah God doesn't like you and he's going to destroy your city and most likely kill you. Have a great day." But that was what Jeremiah was called to do and he was obedient.
I may not always like this journey I'm on, but I believe with everything that it is exactly what God called me to do. Long before I was ever thought of. This is my testimony...for the rest of my life, this is my testimony. This is my struggle, we all have them and they are all different. But in the end, it's not about the struggle, it's about how we respond to it. And I pray that I can be as obedient as Jeremiah when God asks us to walk this journey everyday. My friend said in women's group last week - does God trust you enough to tell His story through your trials? He must, which is hard to wrap my head around. But I think that's why He called me to start this blog and I think that's part of the reason I'm on this journey in the first place. To share God. What better calling is there than that? I don't always get it right, and God's definitely still working on me. But I keep plugging away because it's what He's asked of me, and if there's anything you want to do, it's what God asks. I want to try to not mess that up.
The doctor's office has already put in my med order for next month's cycle. I'm sure that's standard procedure, but I know they think there's no way this is possible. But they don't know my God. He's master of the impossible. And we'll keep believing that.
Keep praying for us. We've got another week of waiting and we are so hopeful and filled with peace about the situation. Thank you all for your prayers, it's the best thing we could ask anyone to do.
Until next time...
Sunday, May 19, 2013
"Can I get directions?" - Sincerely, the sperm
I want to start out by saying we have amazing friends and family. We have so many people praying for us, and it is overwhelming. We have felt such peace in the past few days that we know it can only be from God. I know a lot of people/churches are getting away from laying hands on people to pray, but I believe it's important and powerful. We've had a lot of hands laid on us in the past week and we feel God with us. It's amazing.
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
So Friday was the big day! I went in at 9:00 a.m. for my insemination. They said everything looked good and I actually got to see her inject the sperm. They don't normally do a sonogram for IUI's, but she was practicing for embryo transfers, and I was lucky enough to be her practice! So we're praying Andy's sperm have GPS this time - he'll probably be mad I said that :). Now comes the really hard part - the waiting. We can test in 2 weeks. To borrow from Phoebe "Are you in there little fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us, I will buy you some Adidas". For us it would be Nike's, but that doesn't really rhyme. All that to say, we're believing in God and His plan and that He's still the God of miracles.
A friend sent me Psalm 139 yesterday morning so when I was laying in the doctor's office I read it and it was so powerful! I've read it a ton of times, but that's the great thing about scripture, you can read it over and over and get something different out of it every time. It all depends on what's relevant to your life at the time. Verse 5 and 6 say "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." The word hem means to surround, to encircle. God's encircling us from behind, in front, to each side, He's there. He's laying hands on us, just like our friends have been doing for us this week. Verse 16 and 17 go on to say "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!". My commentary says "How amazing are your thoughts concerning me". Isn't it crazy to think our days are already mapped out? God knows it all because He planned it before we were even thought of - especially for us. Verse 18 goes on to say that His thoughts about us outnumber the grains of sand. That's how much He cares. So we never have to worry that He's going to leave us on our journey, He's there, surrounding us, keeping His hand on us. And He'll guide us to live in His will if we allow it. That's been me and Andy's prayer from the beginning - 'God that you would keep your hand on us and guide us because we want to live in your will in this situation and all the days of our lives'. And He'll do it, because Psalms 139 tells me He will. And God always keeps his promises. Believe that, expect that, and God will do amazing things in your life.
Until next time...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Expectations
Have you ever felt like God is doing something? Like really doing something? And you can feel it building under the surface, about to explode? That's where we are. We feel like we are on the verge of God doing something amazing in our lives. We have no idea what that is, or what form it may take, but we know it's coming and we're trusting in His promises - a promise for a hope and a future. More this week than last...if that's possible.
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
So you know how I was telling you about my anxiousness last Friday? It was unfortunately well-founded. I went back to the doctor on Monday for a sono and blood draw and my numbers just weren't very good. I have 5 follicles on one side and they like you to have about 7 before retrieval. After 5 days on the drugs in December I had 7 full grown, so much so that they backed me off of my meds because they were concerned about overstimulation. So the doctor told me they would wait to get my estradiol levels back to make the final decision. I held it together while I was still in the doctor's office, but completely lost it in my car. I wasn't very productive at work on Monday (good thing my boss is in Switzerland). So I got the call Monday afternoon and had already mentally prepared myself. Don't get me wrong, I prayed like crazy the whole time I was waiting that my levels were high, but that obviously wasn't God's plan. My levels were at 700 (in December they were at 1600) so it was a pretty big difference. They told me they knew my ovaries could do better and they want to hold off on the egg retrieval and try again next month. Sigh... Even though I knew in my heart that's what they were going to tell me, I didn't want to hear it. It made my heart hurt. Not to mention that the drugs cost about $3,000 per month and now we've basically wasted the drugs I've been on and have to do it all over again next month. Double sigh...
At least we get to turn it into an IUI instead of just wasting all the crazy that I've been going through the past 2 weeks. Speaking of the crazy, I swung into CVS on my way home and the teenage girl checking me out was pregnant. I seriously considered asking her if she was keeping her baby. Who does that? Who thinks that way every time they see a pregnant teenager? Oh wait...I do, that's right. Anyways, we've done 4 IUI's in the past that haven't worked, but we are praying for a miracle this time. Not just the typical "Jesus we want a baby", but the get down on our knees and cry out to God kind of praying. The kind where we're calling in the prayer warriors and being on every prayer chain we can think of. And we're trusting that it's God's will for us to be parents. I know He put this desire in my heart for a reason. It still sucks, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. I looked a hot-mess by the time I got home on Monday. But sometimes you've just got to cry it out and cry out to God. So we're scheduled for Friday morning. We're praying God answers our prayers and that when He does, people will know it couldn't have been anything but Him. He'll get the glory. So for all of you prayer warriors out there, please pray for us this week.
I get a daily devotional every day from Proverbs 31 and the scripture was from 1 John 5:14 "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." And Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I read both of those today and am always astounded at how God knows exactly what we need to hear. So we're committing this baby, that hasn't even been born yet, to the Lord. We're asking Him, no, begging Him for this baby. Because we believe in God's promises and His ability to keep them. He has an amazing track record. I was telling one of my friends today that I can't wait to be on the other side of all of this (hopefully soon) and look back and see how all of the pieces fit together. How every moment in our lives has been bringing us to this point where it finally all makes sense. And we'll get just a small glimpse of the masterpiece that God is creating out of our lives. The thought makes me smile.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Don't Stress
If it's this hard to find time to blog now, I can't wait until I have kids! I'm a pretty sarcastic person, I'm not sure if that translates well via blog. So if you ever read something and wonder if I'm kidding...I'm kidding.
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Life just seems to keep getting in the way. And I've been so stressed out at work, which is not what I need right now. Plus I've been slightly more emotional over the past week which is not me AT ALL. We sat down last week to watch What to Expect When Expecting which we thought would be a good laugh, and it mostly was. I cried like three times in the movie, what the heck? It probably has more to do with the fact that I started my drugs last Sunday than that the movie was actually sad.
I gave everyone I work with and anyone I spend a considerable amount of time with fair warning that I may very well be crazy for the next few weeks/9 months. My boss informed me the other day that she doesn't think I'm crazy yet...yet being the operative word. I still feel like myself although Wednesday I almost cried three times randomly throughout the day for no reason that I can remember. And Andy conveniently got "forced in" to work every night last week. Funny how that worked out for him, "Oh Amber's starting her drugs, I think I better work more". I ask him a lot if he's noticed any changes (not that he's been around) because sometimes when you're in the crazy (aka are the crazy), it's hard to recognize. But for the most part I feel like myself, which had me a little worried yesterday.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday morning since starting my drugs. It's a five day check with a sono and blood draw. They want to see how many follicles are growing and how big they are and check my estradiol levels, which measure follicular development. I was feeling anxious and uneasy when I woke up yesterday morning. It's going to sound weird, but I felt too much like myself. I don't have any of the symptoms/side effects of the drugs, which should be a good thing, but it had me worried. So I woke Andy up and asked him to pray with me before I left for my appointment. Is there anything better than having your husband pray for you? I love it when he texts me and says I prayed for you today. I know he's doing it anyways, but it's such an amazing reminder of what an amazing husband I have. Rabbit trail...so I digress. It's funny how well you know your own body. Anyways, I don't have as many follicles as they were hoping for and my estradiol levels are a little lower than they would like. I could tell they were slightly concerned but wanted to be positive. They told me it was still early, it had only been five days, and one of my drugs (Lupron) holds back stimulation, which it's supposed to do. So I was having a crappy, feel sorry for myself kind of day yesterday. And God knew just what I needed and sent reinforcements. My friend called me while I was at work and left a prayer for me on my voicemail. Another friend who's been through this process text me and told me it was no big deal. They would just delay me a few days to let my follicles catch up if they needed to. And I got a text randomly from our church secretary letting us know she was praying for us. When I was ready to lose it, God knew just what I needed and he sent my friends to lift me up and let me know we have so many people who love us and are praying for us. They are interceding on our behalf for this little baby. We are so blessed. I kept Philippians 4:6-7 up on my computer all day yesterday - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And that's what I tried to focus on, the thanksgiving part. God has blessed us in so many ways, so much more than we could ever deserve, how can I not be thankful even in the hard times.
I've tried really hard to be calm throughout this whole process and not stress myself out too much. But this time the stakes are so much higher. It's so a lot. It's a lot of emotions, it's a lot of crazy to my body (you do not want to see my stomach where I stab myself three times a day, or my arm where they continuously take my blood), and it's a lot of money. And everyone's favorite line is "don't stress out about it". How am I not supposed to stress out that this is our last option. If this doesn't work that means we don't get our own baby. It means I'll never see a little mini-me of my husband running around in baseball pants with a glove in his hand. Or I'll never see a little blonde haired blue-eyed girl twirling around in a tutu. That's stressful, and life changing. So I've been praying a lot for God's peace to come on Andy and I and help us through this journey. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything else has been in theory, and now it's in reality. I'm scheduled for surgery sometime next week and we are so excited and nervous and stressed out all at the same time. So as my grandpa always used to say "if you don't have anyone else to pray for, pray for me."
Until next time...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wall of Impossibility
I went to Women of Faith this weekend with a few friends from my Journey group at church. We went down to Wichita on Friday for the conference. I always come back from things like this completely fired up for Jesus and ready to change the world. My prayer is that my fire doesn't burn out. The speakers were amazing. Lysa Terkeurst was one of the speakers and she is hilarious and awesome. If you've never read one of her books or listened to her speak I encourage you to do so. She runs the www.Proverbs31.org website. You can sign up to have a devotional come directly to your inbox everyday. It's a great encouragement. I'm not saying I get a chance to read every single one of them, but they're always inspirational and usually just what I need to hear that day.
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
On Saturday she told us the story of her family. They adopted two teenage boys from Liberia, because God told them to. But she had doubts and was a little terrified of being obedient. She shared from Joshua 6 about the wall of Jericho. How God gave Joshua these crazy instructions to bring the wall down. And she related that back to our lives - how we all have a wall of impossibility that we're facing. It's different for all of us. For her, it was adopting two teenagers from another country who were at a kindergarten learning level. And how she ended up having to home school all of her kids because the school system wouldn't take her sons at that level. For others it's a struggle with depression, or drugs, alcohol, troubled children. For me, it's infertility. There are days when it feels like it is impossible - and it is...for me. But not for God. In Matthew 19:26 Jesus himself says "With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible". We just have to be obedient. And as much as Lysa didn't think it was possible for her to adopt two teenagers when she already had three girls at home, and as much as she didn't think she was capable of home schooling them, she was obedient and willing to follow God's lead. Did that make it easy? No way. Just because God asks us to do something doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Are we going to be blessed? Yes. Are we going to be better on the other side? Definitely. Because God sees the big picture and He's constantly growing us into the people He wants us to be, into the people He designed us to be. Isn't that hard to wrap your head around? That God designed us to be a certain way and He knows that without certain events happening in our lives we won't reach our full potential. Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (italics mine). So before God knit us together in our mother's womb, He knew what we were designed to do. Unfathomable. And He's taking us on a journey to get there.
I'm not sure I've completely figured out what God's designed me to do. But I know that He's using my wall of impossibility to get me there. Either through writing this blog, or just growing in patience and empathy, there's a plan, and I trust it with all my heart. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to care about my future and my hopes and dreams. He doesn't discount our desires, but they don't always come wrapped in packages we would expect. But they always come, and they're always so much better than your plans. Lysa ended it with saying two things - one, live a life that requires a little faith. If everything always goes our way and we always have everything under control, where does faith fit in? But if we're stepping out in obedience and willingness, we have no choice but to trust God and His plan. And second she said, "my job is to be obedient to God. God's job is my wall of impossibility." So remember that when you struggle. Remember you're not big enough to scale the wall on your own, but give it over to God and He'll bring the wall down at your feet. It just takes a little faith.
Until next time...
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